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The Ten Most Obnoxiously Overquoted Movies
Nothing makes a great movie suck like people quoting it day in and day out for months at a time. It's the go-to route used by individuals who aren't clever enough to come up with their own material, made worse by them thinking (thanks to the select few that laughed at their referencing) they've suddenly become the most hilarious stand-up comedian since George Carlin. Hey dipshit - they were laughing at the actual line, not your "sensational" joke-telling abilities. In fact, you probably butchered it. It was a sympathy laugh. They all secretly hate you. You're considered one big fucking joke. Even your psychiatrist thinks you should kill yourself. Also, your wife/girlfriend/hand is cheating on you.
And all because you wouldn't stop quoting movies like these...
10. OFFICE SPACE
These three characters in "Office Space" are hilarious, but lets be honest, they're also unlikable and annoying. So just when you think there's nothing more aggravating than people quoting the same fucking movie over and over, this movie becomes popular and now people are quoting three alternatively irritating characters from the same fucking movie over and over. Meanwhile, I just stand back, stare aggressively, and clench my fist, waiting for the right moment to go postal and start shouting, "I'll show you a fucking O-face, you cocksucking motherfucker!!" I have learned the courtrooms are not fond of this response.
Other overused quotes:
"If things go well I might be showing her my O-face. 'Oh... Oh... Oh!' You know what I'm talkin' about. 'Oh!'"
"Sounds like somebody's having a case of the Mondays."
"So, Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?"
"Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler..."
"'PC Load Letter'? What the fuck does that mean?"
"I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man."
"Did you get that memo?"
9. MONTY PYTHON (all of them)
Yes, actually, I did expect the Spanish Inquisition. Maybe if you didn't use the quote so goddamn much, I wouldn't have.
Other overused quotes:
"I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
"It's just a flesh wound."
"We are the knights who say... NI!"
"What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
8. WEDDING CRASHERS
I'm going to conduct a test to see whether or not you're qualified to quote "Wedding Crashers".
Part 1: Do something that's as funny as this...
Oh, too bad. You already failed.
Other overused quotes:
"What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? You motorboatin' son of a bitch! You old sailor you!"
"I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!"
"Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck!"
"Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They're phenomenal!"
"I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night."
"You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"
7. Anything with SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I think we can all agree, Samuel L. Jackson is the baddest motherfucker alive. His ability of taking an otherwise mundane sentence and injecting it with a level of such ferocity is incredible. And it's all thanks to two little words. If used incorrectly though, those two little words can be deadly to a movie buff's ears. They can turn something that was once completely badass into something that is, quite frankly, completely gay. This gayness stems from an inability to capture the awesomeness that is Sam "the mutha fuckin' man" Jackson. Think you're up to the task? You're not. Don't even bother trying. You'll just fail at it like you do everything else in life. Motherfucker.
Other overused quotes:
"Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN! I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker! Say what one more goddamn time!"
"English, MOTHERFUCKER! Do-you-speak it?"
"I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"
"AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes."
"Hey, all brothers don't know how to use guns, you racist motherfucker."
"Oh now that's low, even for a white motherfucker like you."
6. THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN
You know how I know you're gay? Because you won't stop quoting the same fucking joke over and over again.
Other overused quotes:
"She was a ho... for sho."
"AHHH, Kelly Clarkson!"
"You know how I know that you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, 'I love it when balls are in my face'."
"I'm starvin'... let's get some fuckin' french toast!"
"You're puttin' the pussy on a pedestal."
5. ANCHORMAN
"Great Poseidon's trident of racial injustice!"
"By the ball sweat of Hades' dank nether regions!"
"Holy man-dolphins of the Utah state tax commission!"
See? I can do it too. It's not that hard to come up with your own variations of Will Ferrell schtick. You just have to be as random as possible and end almost everything with an exclamation point.
For example, if you were at a party and the keg ran out, you could say (in the most Ferrell-like voice you have), "This alcoholic beverage has been a temptress to my taste buds, and now she's abandoned me for her brother-in-law like the pirate whore she is. Oh cruel irony! Why must you encompass my love in such rainbow-shaped bowls of heartache and frustration!?"
Or, you could choose not to look like a jackass. Just stop imitating him full stop. He may be funny when he does it, but you're not.
Other overused quotes:
"I'm in a glass case of emotion!"
"I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly..."
"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair."
"It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way."
"I ate a big red candle!"
"I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party. The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with the pants."
"Loud noises!"
"I love lamp."
4. The AUSTIN POWERS Series
This one has been especially painful to endure, because finding ways to contribute "Yeah, baby!" to a conversation is quite possibly the easiest thing in the world. Thus, even the dumbest of the dumb were doing it. The context didn't even matter. If somebody said something you agreed with, a piss-poor imitation of Mike Myers would follow.
This was made even more popular because it allowed people to narrowly escape looking like a fool by changing an intelligent conversation into a "humorous" one. For example...
Smart Person #1: I find the latest news of this injustice egregiously underdeveloped.
Smart Person #2: Quite right. The esoteric nature of the crimes leads me to believe the government is creating a factually false pretense intended to elude the citizens.
Smart Person #1: How about you, what are your thoughts on the matter?
You: ...uhh... Yeah, baby, yeah!
This of course would then lead to outbursts of laughter from everyone around you, as the topic would quickly change into a discussion about your amazing comical prowess and undeniable wit. Success!
(Note: I apologize on behalf on my poorly constructed "smart person" talk. I just strung a bunch of words I looked up in the thesaurus together in hopes of forming something remotely intellectual-sounding. I don't even know if what I wrote makes any sense.)
Other overused quotes:
"Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?"
"I demand the sum of... ONE MILLION DOLLARS."
"Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?"
"Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!"
"Zip it!"
"Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby. Oh, aye, Baby: the other, other white meat. Baby: it's what's for dinner."
"I'm dead sexy."
3. BORAT
Is your name Sacha Baron Cohen? No?
THEN SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.
Other overused quotes:
"My name-a Borat. I like you. I like sex. Is nice!"
"I like to make sexy time!"
"This suit is NOT BLACK!"
"Do this have a pussy magnet?"
"What's up with it, vanilla face?"
"Gypsy! Give me your tears! If you will not give them to me, I will take them from you!"
2. NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
This movie could've earned itself a nice little cult following among respectable movie buffs. Instead, thanks to Hot Topic and douchebag teeny boppers, it will forever be known as the film that led to countless beatings on the playgrounds against bandwagon hopping bitches who wore "Vote for Pedro" shirts and would never shut the fuck up about num-chucks and tater tots. If you were one of those kids, kindly fuck off. You're not allowed to read my blog anymore.
No seriously, go away.
Other overused quotes:
"You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills."
"Do the chickens have large talons?"
"Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day."
"A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?"
"A liger. It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed."
"I caught you a delicious bass."
1. 300
It was funny when the trailer came out. It was funny when the movie hit theaters. It was still pretty funny about a month after that. But for fuck's sake, it's been almost a year!
GIVE IT A REST ALREADY. Honestly, this is MADNESS!
(...Don't you dare fucking say it... I will kill you.)
Other overused quotes:
"Tonight, we dine in hell!"
"Give them nothing! But take from them, everything!"
"MORE AGGRESSIVE YELLING. RAWR."
~ Nicolaus Copernicus on the World
“Freddie Mercury is closed due to AIDs!”
~ Habbo Hotel
"IS STILL ALIVE!!!" -Tupac Chakur
Freddie Mercury shortly after his conquest of England.Freddie Mercury (incarnated September 5, 1946?) was Emperor of the Rainbow, a British Indian God, author, opera diva conquerer, singer, and eventual deity, best remembered today for his many international hits (from all aspects of his career) and conquering England. It is believed that he was descended from Cyrus the Great, a vampire, although this has never been proven.
Freddie Mercury is not to be confused with the homonomous (but erroneously spelled) Freddy Mercury, a lesser planet discovered in 2001 and named after him. The rumour that Freddie's mustache was indeed home to several large iguanas is fast gaining momentum. Biologists worldwide are said to have formed a secret society called the 'frog masons', dead set on exhuming this man's corpse and examining the unusual ecosystems of his facial hair. Closely followed by Rob Halford of Judas Priest.
Contents [hide]
1 Early Life and Playwright
2 Author and Conquerer
3 Death
4 Rebirth
5 Instruments used by Mercury
6 Freddy Mercury
7 Alternative Biography
8 Hemingway writes about Freddie Mercury Lyrics
9 See Also
[edit] Early Life and Playwright
Nobody loved Freddie as he was a poor boy from a poor family, though remarkably well versed in etiquette. He was born on 55th of September, in 946, on the then-unknown island of Zanzibar to Samwise "Samuel" G. Mercury (also a playwright) and a woman of unknown as to how the Parsi got there origins. His mother Jer Bulsara named him Farrokh Pluto Bulsara. When he was young, he was caught in a landslide with no escape from reality which lead him to opened his eyes, look up to the skies and see that he needed no sympathy. Leaving his poor life behind, he built an enormous kite to take him whichever way the wind would blow. It didn't really matter to him, as he had only one vision; He wanted it all, he wanted it all, he wanted it all and he wanted it now.
Much of his teenage years were relatively uneventful in Punch-gany, a hilly station with a flat top and Bombay (yes, Mumbai) but it was known that when he reached the age of 18, his father passed away. Greatly saddened by his loss, Mercury was inspired to write his first play, "I Can Hear Music (of the Heavens)", under a false name of Jennifer J. Lopez. This play would go on to become a hit in Ireland, Zanzibar and the original manuscript written on the back of a durex box is now a valuable collector's item, widely photocopied to bootleggers around the world. It is also used to promote AIDS awareness and safe sex.
Two years later, Freddie Mercury was accused of killing a man by putting a gun against his head and pulled his trigger, leaving him dead. His mama was shocked when she heard this news, he maintains he did not mean to make her cry. She wrote a very depressing rhapsody originally addressed to Freddie, which was first published in Bohemia and shortly after in Canada.
After he served his time in prison, he spent a few years doing nothing but riding his bicycle up and down the streets during the day and sleeping around with fat-bottomed girls at night. He also would stomp up and down the sidewalks stepping on ants and chanting 'Another one bites the dust!' After he got over his spell of depression, he began to write his plays, many of which stirred up alot of controversy at the time. One being 'We Will Rock You' in which the performers would alledgedly chuck huge rocks at people in the audience. Despite the crap he had to deal with, Freddie managed to attract a number of like-minded playwrights who shared his passion for stoning people and spitting in the eyes. Lord Brian of Mayfair, R. Honourable Sir Roger Taylor, and Deacon John Vincent of Pricewrighton, all of whom were from nearby cities, formed a scriptwriting and falsetto club of sorts with Freddie Mercury that was known, quite appropriately, as Queen, as they felt that calling them Kings or Queers would be too scandalous, even by their own principles. (That is, until the Sex Pistols came along.) Since it was during the reign of QEII, they felt that when she handed over the hat to Charlie they would call themselves Dy-anne and break free: something that Freddie always wanted to do, and, as innuendo has it, god knows that!
Queen continued to write a series of other plays: at least twelve in total, but sadly only three of them remain known to the world. They are the self-titled Queen, its sequel Queen II, and Sheer Heart Attack, the name being inspired by Samwise Mercury's tragic death. A number of the lost plays are known only by name - The Odyssey, The Tempest, and Hamlet are three of the more well-known examples.
Unfortunately, the plays were not well received by their manager Earl Norman of Sheffield, who managed to squander off the money Queen earned, leading to them temporarily giving up their playwright career to pursue a life of writing party songs that made every radio go ga-ga over, playing host, and also causing Freddie to morph into a commoner losing his shirt.
He and the Flash also raped Jay Frank very fast and Frank became the Whiz.
[edit] Author and Conquerer
"King Fu" Mercury, 1st King of China.Queen, disgruntled, started their writing career at a local magazine as play critics (where Mercury lashed out greatly at his nemesis Norman of Sheffield in a brilliantly written and critically hailed article named, aptly, Death on Two Legs). He eventually garnered enough fame and began writing his magnum opus, A Night at the Opera. Today, the book is best remembered for its legendary Chapter 11, Bohemian Rhapsody, which has not one but three seperate climax points, keeping the common market and EU in mind (good record sales). It incorporates many elements from Norse, Radio KaKa, French mythology, ninjas, Shakespeare and Italian.
A Night at the Opera was followed upon by the sequel, A Day at the Races. Shortly after, the threequel Sometime Between Mid-Morning and Brunch at the Discotech was released. It is alleged that the words "Paul McArtny isn't dead, but he does have a really bad head cold" was back masked on the song "We, Being the Champions, Will Attempt to Rock All You Fat Bottomed Girls."
[edit] Death
Through a kind of magic, Freddie Mercury was called back to his place in the centre of the Milky Way to become the deity which he is now. Although he was running late, he had to go, leaving us all behind and facing the truth. He apparently told his lover, Oscar Wilde on his deathbed, "Mamma mia! Let me go!" He knew that he would have to leave, otherwise Beelzebub would send out the devil he put aside for him. mercury made it too the center of the milky way where oprah gave him aids. He returned to earth, fortunately soft-landing on an island in one of the Seas of Rhye, where he later died from aids (also known as "gayds"). There are alternative theories that Freddie did not die of AIDS after all, but either accidentally bit some dust, or OD'ed on caviar and cigarettes. Shortly after his death, Freddie was resurrected as a zombie, iguana and all, and spends his time haunting the dreams of little childeren.
[edit] Rebirth
Mercury started a killing spree with his deadly abilities, including his famous acid masturbate technique. Though he had his machine guns ready to go, he instead used this technique to kill Judge Reinhold of the Justice Society, becoming a member of Jennifer Lopez's Injustice Society shortly afterward.
[edit] Instruments used by Mercury
Mainly thermometers the more the mercury goes up the more the temperature
[edit] Freddy Mercury
Freddie Mercury is not to be confused with Freddy Mercury, a dwarf planet discovered in 2001 just a little bit smaller than Earth. It is raddish-brown in hue, and it is orbited by one million satellite's. Rumor has it that, much alke our own lunar surfing, the inhabitants of Freddy Mercury can see a little man named Scaramouche on his moon which does the very very frightening fandango every (lunar eclipse / day) amed at the thunderbirds and captin lightning of sun.
[edit] Alternative Biography
King Farrokh Bulsara XXXIX left his castle on his home planet Mars one fine day in September, only to end up on some little island off the coast of Africa that everyone has forgotten the name of (turns out it was called Zanzibar). In retaliation, he took over a bigger island, England, changed his name to His Holy Greatness The King Frederic Of Mercury And The Entire Universe Of Everything That Exists (otherwise known as Freddie Mercury) and made the inhabitants slaves to his greatness. He gave India as dowry to the East India company who ruled it under Lord Mountbatten. During his long reign, Freddie Mercury came upon three other misplaced deities: Deacon John, the god of flippable names and biting dust, Roger Taylor, the god of drums, physical abuse, and cars, and Brian May, the god of guitars, fireplace mantels made out of wood, and big, curly hair. These four gods came together to form the greatest rock band that ever existed, which has a name that only gods can speak but is otherwise known as Queen to mortals and aliens.
Eventually, Freddie Mercury had to return to Mars to rule the galaxy, so he faked death by Genital Herpes and left while no one was looking. Every so often he returns to Earth when he gets bored to keep tabs on his slaves and go to bars under the disguise of Lily Savage. His slaves have since built a temple in Montreux, Switzerland to Freddie's pure greatness; it is rumored that if the microphone stand of his gold-plated statue is touched at midnight, it will bestow magical sexual powers; however, this often comes with the side effect of growing four extra teeth and an inordinate amount of chest fur.
[edit] Hemingway writes about Freddie Mercury Lyrics
When the orders came for the mission He was watching the whore ride her bicycle and he wanted to ride his bicycle, but only on the edge of his seat. The orders were black. He would not ride his bicycle today and he thought that he would not come back ever again to ride the bicycle. Milk of the Mother! But the fat-bottomed girl on the bike he had seen today was still on her bicycle and he put the orders down and watched her as she road down the street and away to her whore bed. He tracked her down and dispatched her in the doorway with a fullisade of bullets, landing him back at the axeman's block. Since he could no longer find himself somebody to love, nothing really mattered, nothing really mattered, nothing really mattered to him by that time, so he accepted his fate like the champion he fought endlessly to be.
“Freddie Mercury is closed due to AIDs!”
~ Habbo Hotel
"IS STILL ALIVE!!!" -Tupac Chakur
Freddie Mercury shortly after his conquest of England.Freddie Mercury (incarnated September 5, 1946?) was Emperor of the Rainbow, a British Indian God, author, opera diva conquerer, singer, and eventual deity, best remembered today for his many international hits (from all aspects of his career) and conquering England. It is believed that he was descended from Cyrus the Great, a vampire, although this has never been proven.
Freddie Mercury is not to be confused with the homonomous (but erroneously spelled) Freddy Mercury, a lesser planet discovered in 2001 and named after him. The rumour that Freddie's mustache was indeed home to several large iguanas is fast gaining momentum. Biologists worldwide are said to have formed a secret society called the 'frog masons', dead set on exhuming this man's corpse and examining the unusual ecosystems of his facial hair. Closely followed by Rob Halford of Judas Priest.
Contents [hide]
1 Early Life and Playwright
2 Author and Conquerer
3 Death
4 Rebirth
5 Instruments used by Mercury
6 Freddy Mercury
7 Alternative Biography
8 Hemingway writes about Freddie Mercury Lyrics
9 See Also
[edit] Early Life and Playwright
Nobody loved Freddie as he was a poor boy from a poor family, though remarkably well versed in etiquette. He was born on 55th of September, in 946, on the then-unknown island of Zanzibar to Samwise "Samuel" G. Mercury (also a playwright) and a woman of unknown as to how the Parsi got there origins. His mother Jer Bulsara named him Farrokh Pluto Bulsara. When he was young, he was caught in a landslide with no escape from reality which lead him to opened his eyes, look up to the skies and see that he needed no sympathy. Leaving his poor life behind, he built an enormous kite to take him whichever way the wind would blow. It didn't really matter to him, as he had only one vision; He wanted it all, he wanted it all, he wanted it all and he wanted it now.
Much of his teenage years were relatively uneventful in Punch-gany, a hilly station with a flat top and Bombay (yes, Mumbai) but it was known that when he reached the age of 18, his father passed away. Greatly saddened by his loss, Mercury was inspired to write his first play, "I Can Hear Music (of the Heavens)", under a false name of Jennifer J. Lopez. This play would go on to become a hit in Ireland, Zanzibar and the original manuscript written on the back of a durex box is now a valuable collector's item, widely photocopied to bootleggers around the world. It is also used to promote AIDS awareness and safe sex.
Two years later, Freddie Mercury was accused of killing a man by putting a gun against his head and pulled his trigger, leaving him dead. His mama was shocked when she heard this news, he maintains he did not mean to make her cry. She wrote a very depressing rhapsody originally addressed to Freddie, which was first published in Bohemia and shortly after in Canada.
After he served his time in prison, he spent a few years doing nothing but riding his bicycle up and down the streets during the day and sleeping around with fat-bottomed girls at night. He also would stomp up and down the sidewalks stepping on ants and chanting 'Another one bites the dust!' After he got over his spell of depression, he began to write his plays, many of which stirred up alot of controversy at the time. One being 'We Will Rock You' in which the performers would alledgedly chuck huge rocks at people in the audience. Despite the crap he had to deal with, Freddie managed to attract a number of like-minded playwrights who shared his passion for stoning people and spitting in the eyes. Lord Brian of Mayfair, R. Honourable Sir Roger Taylor, and Deacon John Vincent of Pricewrighton, all of whom were from nearby cities, formed a scriptwriting and falsetto club of sorts with Freddie Mercury that was known, quite appropriately, as Queen, as they felt that calling them Kings or Queers would be too scandalous, even by their own principles. (That is, until the Sex Pistols came along.) Since it was during the reign of QEII, they felt that when she handed over the hat to Charlie they would call themselves Dy-anne and break free: something that Freddie always wanted to do, and, as innuendo has it, god knows that!
Queen continued to write a series of other plays: at least twelve in total, but sadly only three of them remain known to the world. They are the self-titled Queen, its sequel Queen II, and Sheer Heart Attack, the name being inspired by Samwise Mercury's tragic death. A number of the lost plays are known only by name - The Odyssey, The Tempest, and Hamlet are three of the more well-known examples.
Unfortunately, the plays were not well received by their manager Earl Norman of Sheffield, who managed to squander off the money Queen earned, leading to them temporarily giving up their playwright career to pursue a life of writing party songs that made every radio go ga-ga over, playing host, and also causing Freddie to morph into a commoner losing his shirt.
He and the Flash also raped Jay Frank very fast and Frank became the Whiz.
[edit] Author and Conquerer
"King Fu" Mercury, 1st King of China.Queen, disgruntled, started their writing career at a local magazine as play critics (where Mercury lashed out greatly at his nemesis Norman of Sheffield in a brilliantly written and critically hailed article named, aptly, Death on Two Legs). He eventually garnered enough fame and began writing his magnum opus, A Night at the Opera. Today, the book is best remembered for its legendary Chapter 11, Bohemian Rhapsody, which has not one but three seperate climax points, keeping the common market and EU in mind (good record sales). It incorporates many elements from Norse, Radio KaKa, French mythology, ninjas, Shakespeare and Italian.
A Night at the Opera was followed upon by the sequel, A Day at the Races. Shortly after, the threequel Sometime Between Mid-Morning and Brunch at the Discotech was released. It is alleged that the words "Paul McArtny isn't dead, but he does have a really bad head cold" was back masked on the song "We, Being the Champions, Will Attempt to Rock All You Fat Bottomed Girls."
[edit] Death
Through a kind of magic, Freddie Mercury was called back to his place in the centre of the Milky Way to become the deity which he is now. Although he was running late, he had to go, leaving us all behind and facing the truth. He apparently told his lover, Oscar Wilde on his deathbed, "Mamma mia! Let me go!" He knew that he would have to leave, otherwise Beelzebub would send out the devil he put aside for him. mercury made it too the center of the milky way where oprah gave him aids. He returned to earth, fortunately soft-landing on an island in one of the Seas of Rhye, where he later died from aids (also known as "gayds"). There are alternative theories that Freddie did not die of AIDS after all, but either accidentally bit some dust, or OD'ed on caviar and cigarettes. Shortly after his death, Freddie was resurrected as a zombie, iguana and all, and spends his time haunting the dreams of little childeren.
[edit] Rebirth
Mercury started a killing spree with his deadly abilities, including his famous acid masturbate technique. Though he had his machine guns ready to go, he instead used this technique to kill Judge Reinhold of the Justice Society, becoming a member of Jennifer Lopez's Injustice Society shortly afterward.
[edit] Instruments used by Mercury
Mainly thermometers the more the mercury goes up the more the temperature
[edit] Freddy Mercury
Freddie Mercury is not to be confused with Freddy Mercury, a dwarf planet discovered in 2001 just a little bit smaller than Earth. It is raddish-brown in hue, and it is orbited by one million satellite's. Rumor has it that, much alke our own lunar surfing, the inhabitants of Freddy Mercury can see a little man named Scaramouche on his moon which does the very very frightening fandango every (lunar eclipse / day) amed at the thunderbirds and captin lightning of sun.
[edit] Alternative Biography
King Farrokh Bulsara XXXIX left his castle on his home planet Mars one fine day in September, only to end up on some little island off the coast of Africa that everyone has forgotten the name of (turns out it was called Zanzibar). In retaliation, he took over a bigger island, England, changed his name to His Holy Greatness The King Frederic Of Mercury And The Entire Universe Of Everything That Exists (otherwise known as Freddie Mercury) and made the inhabitants slaves to his greatness. He gave India as dowry to the East India company who ruled it under Lord Mountbatten. During his long reign, Freddie Mercury came upon three other misplaced deities: Deacon John, the god of flippable names and biting dust, Roger Taylor, the god of drums, physical abuse, and cars, and Brian May, the god of guitars, fireplace mantels made out of wood, and big, curly hair. These four gods came together to form the greatest rock band that ever existed, which has a name that only gods can speak but is otherwise known as Queen to mortals and aliens.
Eventually, Freddie Mercury had to return to Mars to rule the galaxy, so he faked death by Genital Herpes and left while no one was looking. Every so often he returns to Earth when he gets bored to keep tabs on his slaves and go to bars under the disguise of Lily Savage. His slaves have since built a temple in Montreux, Switzerland to Freddie's pure greatness; it is rumored that if the microphone stand of his gold-plated statue is touched at midnight, it will bestow magical sexual powers; however, this often comes with the side effect of growing four extra teeth and an inordinate amount of chest fur.
[edit] Hemingway writes about Freddie Mercury Lyrics
When the orders came for the mission He was watching the whore ride her bicycle and he wanted to ride his bicycle, but only on the edge of his seat. The orders were black. He would not ride his bicycle today and he thought that he would not come back ever again to ride the bicycle. Milk of the Mother! But the fat-bottomed girl on the bike he had seen today was still on her bicycle and he put the orders down and watched her as she road down the street and away to her whore bed. He tracked her down and dispatched her in the doorway with a fullisade of bullets, landing him back at the axeman's block. Since he could no longer find himself somebody to love, nothing really mattered, nothing really mattered, nothing really mattered to him by that time, so he accepted his fate like the champion he fought endlessly to be.
Tupac also credits himself with inventing reality. This is seen in the diary he kept while he hid in prison from Nazis for several months. Here is an excerpt:
"Dear Kitty, I am the realest motha' fucka ever. No, no. Let me rephrase that... I am reality. Or I invented it, or some shit like that. Bitch. Now pass that Vaseline..."
Swallowing foreign body juices is actually like taking vitamins and it whitens your teeth
The American Dental Association says that semen cuts plaque better than mouth wash, so suck a dick and save a smile.
Having nice sex burns 358 calories.
Having rough sex [make it hurt] burns 543 calories.
Take off her clothes
with her consent.........................12 cal
without......................187 cal
Take off her Bra
With two hands..........................8 cal
With one hand.........................12 cal
With mouth.............................85 cal
Put on Protection
hard .......................... 6 cal
soft..........................315 cal
Foreplay
Looking for target...................8 cal
Finding G spot ......................92 cal
I don't F***ing care.....................0 cal
Entry
Holding her..................12 cal
On the floor.................8 cal
With Different Position
Missionary..........................358 cal
Doggy...........................316 cal
69 lying...............................286 cal
69 standing.............................512 cal
Italian hanger.........................912 cal
######
Real................................112 cal
Faking................................31
After "O"
Lying in Bed............................18 cal
Hop off the bed............................36 cal
Wondering why she left pissed off...........816 cal
Get dressed
Quiet and calm...........................32 cal
Rushing.........................98 cal
Heard her boyfriend opening the door.............1218 cal
Heard her dad at the door.............1942 cal
Her mom walking in..............................Priceles
do fish get thirsty? what if someone died in the living room? that would suck. your like, in the living room man. where is old zeland? why are violets blue and not violet? roses are green and violets are blue? why do kamakazi pilots wear helmets? maybe so their skull will be intact in limbo. why is it called limbo? when you limbo, your like not in the middle.duh. if god dropped acid, would he see people? cuz, i saw god one time. it was like DUDE!!!!! he was there in my closet...i just wanted to get a jacket. it got like really cold when god was around. maybe it was the acid, but i didnt put it in the freezer? why do your feet smell, but your nose runs? our language is so freaking backwards!!! its pissing me off. why is it called pissing someone off? it sounds like somthing you should say when you go to the bathrooooom. like "hey wheres the bathroom i have to pissoff." and the person goes, the bathrooms that way, but dont look in the closet cuz i saw god in there once. hes really cold. clear pisses me off too. ITS NOT A FUCKING COLOR!!!!! but it masqurades as one, like "hey im a color!" and all the other colors are like..."dude, where is that coming from?" because they cant see it, BECAUSE ITS NOT A COLOR!!!!!i mean, dude! its not in the rainbow!!!is there a clear skittle? i think not! but if there was, would we know it? because its all stelthy and clear. what if i ate one and didnt know it? would it taste like air? oooo! hey! if you tell a joke in the forest, and no one laughs, was it still a joke? cuz, i think theres like a vacum in the forest, like you make a sound, but nobody heard it, so its not a sound? its like a time warp! ooo! i gotta get to some trees! they can like go back and make me smart or somthing. but i wasnt smart ever, so it cant go back and make me smart again. dammit. i wanted to be a genius so i could answer all these fucking questions!!!! what if i was smart a long time ago, but im dumb now, so i dont remember? aww shit. this is fertilizer. (i think thats like another word for bullshit.) this is really some fertilizer.thats a cool word. i wanna name my kid that. that or wooleybob. but mabe someones already named that! o well. cant have everything. i mean where would you put it?if jimmy cracked corn a noone cares, why is there a song about it? there should be a song about me! why is it called taking a dump? it should be called leaving a dump. OOOO! i should write my song about that!ok i have to go write a song about dumps guys! ill see you later!
| What is that thing? | |
![[T]](http://home.flash.net/~nymaz/links/tattoo.gif) | Its an encoded message so that my body can always be identified. |
| It's Sanskit for "Satan Lives Within" |
| It's a duck. Or, It's the "Celtic Squid of Life" (asked about an abstract tribal tattoo). |
| What thing? Where? (look) AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! |
| My reward for spanking your mother with a hairbrush. |
| It was an inititation ritual for the suicide cult I just joined. |
| I dunno, it happened when I was abducted by aliens. |
| It's a birth defect. I'd rather not talk about it, it makes me self-conscious. |
| Did it hurt? | |
| Well, it felt like having your skin flayed off, a millimeter at a time. |
| Only for about the first hour, then you get so delirious you can't feel a thing! |
| No, I just like the feeling of 1800 puncture wounds being made every minute. |
| Yes. (Followed by a dead stare at the questioner). |
| Yes, but my life is pain. |
| I don't remember, I was too busy screaming. |
| Not as much as looking at you. |
| Yes, I live in excruciating pain. |
| I've had other people hurt me more (accompanied by evil grin). |
| No, I was born without nerve endings. |
| Well, after I fainted from all the blood loss ... |
| After the gangrene set in, I couldn't feel a thing! |
| No, did it hurt when they removed your brain? |
| No, actually I found it rather stimulating. |
| It probably hurts you more to look at it. |
| No more than my _______ (insert any other bodmod here). |
| If it doesn't hurt, what's the point? |
| I don't remember, I was too busy bleeding. |
| Yeah...and it tastes just like chicken. |
| No, being dragged naked down a gravel road at 55mph behind a GMC pickup hurts though. Takes a little longer to heal, too. |
| Not as much as the first seven did. |
| Did it hurt when your mamma dropped you on your head? |
| What do you think? Oh, sorry, didn't mean to bring up a sore subject... |
| Well, it all depends on how you deal with pain, now does't it? (accompanied by a sweet, innocent smile usually does the trick) |
| Yes, I have to take pain killers for it twice a day. |
| Why did you do it? | |
| Because I had a boil lanced and needed to cover the scar. |
| To cover up that hideous 666 birthmark. |
| I got it in prison for killing someone who asked too many questions. |
| I am a walking piece of art, and since you are viewing me, you are certainly welcome to make a donation to increase the capacity of this museum's stores. |
| The body is a temple. Have you ever seen an unadorned temple? |
| I had it done in the midst of a three-week speed, heroin, and acid binge. |
| I'm sorry, it's a secret. |
| If you don't know already, it just wasn't meant to be. |
| If I told you, I'd have to kill you. |
| Jesus told me to. |
| No reason in particular, I was just bored. |
| Just so that my very existence would be offensive to the likes of you. |
| The witness protection program told me it would be a good idea to change my image. |
| I get a new one every time I go across the equator. |
| I get a new one every time I 'go across the equator', if you know what I mean. |
| The Devil made me do it (in a suitable graveyard voice). |
| I had to one-up my little sister/brother/best friend. |
| It was part of the initiation. |
| It was a dare. |
| Someone told me it was a good way to meet men/women. |
| If I'd known I would have to answer all these dumb questions, I might have reconsidered. |
| I was tired of lurking on rec.bodyarts.com |
| The voices told me to ... don't you hear them? |
| The voices told me to ... have they sent you? |
| The voices told me to ... (then clutch your head and repeatedly shout, "Get out of my head!", or "Leave me alone!") |
| I dunno, why'd you get that haircut? |
| I'm a victim of fashion. |
| I wanted to look more like a Republican. |
| Wait a minute - I thought YOU knew! |
| That's permanent, you know ... | |
| No, it comes off with sandpaper and a good wire brush. |
| It is? Uh oh. |
| For the price I paid, it better be. |
| That's what the guy in the shop said, but I didn't believe him. |
| Duh. |
| I hope so, after all the time it took! |
| So's a nose job, maybe you should consider one. |
| Yep. But I'm getting the rest of my skin lasered off next week. |
| Well, at least until the leprosy reaches that part. |
| So's your plain skin. |
| Yep, but that's OK, because I'm killing myself next Thursday at 2:45. |
| Is anything in life truly permanent? |
| That's what they said about Elvis. |
| So is ignorance. |
| So is being boring. |
| A lot of people think that's a problem - but who knows, I might get hit by a bus tomorrow. The 'rest of my life' might not be that long. |
| No shit? There ought to be a sign or something in the tattoo parlor. |
| Is that real? | |
| Yes, but only the outline. I colored the rest with crayons. |
| No, it's one of those stick-on ones. |
| You're welcome to try to rub it off (especially if near breast or other excitable appendage). |
| That depends, how exactly do you define 'reality'? |
| No, it is a figment of your obviously warped imagination. |
| I don't know what you're talking about, there's nothing there! (Then shrug and walk away) |
| Sure - are you? |
| No, it's a new magic trick I'm practicing. |
| What did your parents say? | |
| Is that some sort of infected cut? (literal truth - one mom asked that of an ankle tat). |
| They only shrieked as the car spun out of control and careened off the embankment. |
| I was genetically engineered and grown in a beaker. My lab tech thinks it's cool, though. |
| Hey, they told me to do what I like with the inheritance from Grandma. |
| My mom forced me to get it. |
| Dear God, Nooooooooooooooooo! |
| My dad stabbed me, but that's ok, because my mom dropped the gun when she saw the blood. |
| My mom held my hand while they did it. |
| Well, they're dead. |
| I ate them. |
| Parents? I was raised by dingos. |
| Nothing. They still haven't gotten over my leather fetish. |
| And for your next birthday, how about a motocycle? |
| So what do you think [insert name of person presently asking] will say? |
| Well that was stupid! |
| Nothing, after I cut out their tongues. |
| I didn't really pay attention. The t.v. was on. |
| I couldn't understand my father, his mouth was full and his tongue busy (add wink here). |
| You must have been pretty drunk when you got that. | |
| Yep, and I saved two bucks 'cause I found my own needle in an alley! |
| You know, everything seems more logical whey you're drunk/stoned. |
| No, but I was when I slept with your daughter. |
| I would NEVER do that. | |
| I know. |
| Good. |
| Panzy! |
| I would never wear that. |
| So? |
| So then it's a good thing you don't get possessed very often? |
| And I'm sure there's a very good reason, isn't there? (accompanying bitchy smile usually confuses them) |
| Only the lucky few hear the call (with a smile and wide eyed stare) |
| You're one of those freaks, aren't you? | |
| Yes. |
| I play backup guitar for NIN. |
| Trent Reznor is my idol. |
| I want to be just like john cobb when I grow up. |
| Jealous? |
| A second look is better than none at all. |
| Yeah, you won't believe the stigma that my (BS/BA/MBA/PhD/MD/other professional certificate or advanced degree) has left me with. |
| And you are ... (while extending hand and grinning manaically) |
| Isn't there some sort of health risk? | |
| Naah, the guy got a brand new guitar string right from the package in front of me. |
| Won't you regret that when you're 80? | |
| At eighty, I think what I shall regret are the things I always wanted to do and never did; the experiences I denied myself because I was too concerned about others' opinions, or too anxious for their approval; but I think I would regret most a life wasted living as someone who was not me... (Special thanks to Tatrat for that one) |
| No worse than my tits will look when I'm eighty, I imagine. |
| Mine's high up on my thigh so anyone who'd see it would be getting pretty personal ;) |
| Well it was either this or redraw it every day for 60 years... |
| That's the great bonus - it will hide liver spots! |
| What?!? You mean they *don't* fade?? Oh f--- |
| God no! By then I hope it will be much more elaborate. |
| I don't know, will you still like your face? |
| Sure I will! Now *90* is another story... |
| You know, that's the sad thing - I hate it *now*. Ah well, live and learn. |
| Hey, if someone still wants to look at me there when I'm 80, I'm going to be very happy indeed (this one depends upon placement, obviously). |
| I'm hoping to die young. |
| Life is too short to be ordinary. |
| Will you still like me when I'm 80? |
| Will you still like your spouse when you're 80? |
| Will you still like having sex when you're 80? |
| Will I still be ALIVE when I'm 80? |
| If I did things ONLY if I knew I'd still like it when I turned 80, I would end up being just like you! |
- Mood:
dorky
